Wednesday, September 26, 2007

What the . . .?

Bill O' Reilly had dinner with Al Sharpton at a "black" restaurant recently in suburban New York and went on to say:

"There were no crazies saying "MF'er" get me some more iced-tea."

Yes, he really said this.

fake news

If you think Osama bin Laden is looking younger these days you are right. Not only is his beard looking like its old self, but bin Laden is sleeping better, laughing more and getting along with all of his wives for the first time in years, according to Mohammad Hasid, Al Qaeda’s newly appointed press secretary. “He’s feeling great,” said Hasid during his inaugural press conference in Islamabad on Monday. Hasid denied allegations that bin Laden has been using “Just for Men” to alter the color of his beard. Hasid jokingly reported video was being altered by Al Qaeda’s new graphics intern from the University of Riyadh to hide the grey in bin Laden’s beard.

So what is bin Laden’s secret? Hasid reports that bin Laden has been using a product he discovered on the Internet. Created in the mountains of Kazakhstan, bin Laden uses a gel made from a mixture of ground goat’s hoofs, mud from the Aral Sea along with other mystery ingredients. The gel is rubbed under the arms three times a day, reports Hasid. “It smells terrible, but most of the guys living in those caves smell pretty bad already, Hasid joked. The new press secretary later showed video of a group that was leaving Islamabad to bring supplies, including the “fountain of life” mixture, to bin Laden’s mountain hide out recently. Despite Al Qaeda’s dire reputation, the group videotaped can be seen laughing and playing with each other. One insurgent even gives another member a “wedgie” before the group starts its trek to bin Laden’s hideout. Along with food and medical supplies, the video shows the caravan carrying back issues of Us Weekly magazine, compact discs of rap music and a copy of the recently released Halo 3.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Key is Communication

My job often means working nights. If a couple nightshifts are strung together the communication between my wife and I tends to happen via email. Recently, my wife sent me an email detailing new traffic laws and fines. Here is an example how my marriage works:

New driving fines for the State of Washington. These fines went into
effect on July 1st. Something to read and remember

1) HOV Lane - 1st time offense $1,068.50 (note: the sign posted on the HOV
lanes that says $271 is now wrong and DOT is in the process of changing
them) second offense fine is doubled, third it is tripled and fourth
your license is suspended for a year! (they are not playing around!)

2) Incorrect Lane Change - $380.00 (not using turn signal or "cutting"
someone, crossing the white lines while merging)

3) Block Intersection - $485.00

4) Driving on Shoulder - $450.00

5) Cell Phone Usage While Driving - $285.00 (cell phone usage must now be
done with "hands free" device.) Law Enforcement has been told to really
start cracking down on this, as the accident rate is increasing due to
cell phone use. I hate it when people do this…..just saw an accident happen yesterday from this!!

6) Cell Phone Usage in a Construction Zone - $570.00 (this fine is doubled
from the regular $285.00)

7) Passengers over the age of 18 not in a seat belt - Both the passenger
AND driver with get tickets for $101.00

8) DUI - Instant ARREST! (the courts are now placing DUI's on your driving
record for a period of 10 years!)

9) Last but not least. You know that there was a thought that you could go
at least 5 MPH over the posted speed limit, well according to the WSP you
are now allowed just 3 MPH over! So, watch your speed my friends.

Bill Replies: Well, that's it. All fun has officially disappeared from my life. To
counter this, I will now make it a point to personally break as many of
these "laws" at once.  I will see you on the evening news.

Ginger Replies: Aggh, that's not really what I wanted to hear. I just wanted you to get
a hands free device and to use your blinker..... 

Bill Replies: Oh.

Ginger Replies: You scare me sometimes.





Thursday, September 06, 2007

What the hell is going on in the Republican Party?

The Fox News Republican Debate was the last straw for me. I’ve seen presidential debates before, but I have never seen moderators arguing with the candidates. I have never seen moderators antagonizing the candidates. I have never seen moderators laughing at the candidates. Well, it was really just one candidate. Ron Paul. Paul is the one candidate that believes we should completely pull out of Iraq. Not many Democrats even believe this, but Paul has a lot of Republican supporters. Now, don’t get confused. Paul is a Libertarian. Paul believes in free trade and isolationism in foreign policy. He wants to abolish federal income taxes and the IRS along with it. He wants to abolish the CIA. He is pro-life. He values state’s rights over the Federal government (remember Reconstruction from high school?). But he also has sharp criticism for the President.

For the Republican Party, a party that has so many problems with “Hollyweird,” this debate was pure show. It was brought about solely to discredit Paul. Yet it was Paul who was voted the winner by the Republicans in the audience. Sean Hannity could even be heard saying, "I don't believe it" when Paul was announced as winner. Sure, the Democrats always pick on Dennis Kucinich, but they don’t resort to staging entire debates in the attempt to show how crazy he is. Maybe the Republican Party should open its eyes and see what Republicans really believe these days.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

old and new

A previous incarnation of this website once had a feature called “Federalcheese Takes Issue” wherein I basically ranted about stuff I found stupid or ironic. This is a first attempt to bring it back. Maybe someday I'll break out the code and have a permanent home on the site for it, but until then, here you go:

People who advertise their alma mater multiple times on their car.

You went to Penn State, good for you, now move on. And take off the Penn State cap you’re wearing while driving. Yeesh. But I do have an old Los Medanos Community College sticker in a box in the basement. If I can find it. . .well, we’ll see.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

This post has no title

Well, my last post was described as “uninspired” and that I might be “depressed.” I did have a lot on my mind such as replacing water pipes in my yard (see pictures below), but that doesn’t matter. My last post was “uninspired.” But I’m also “cheap.” I haven’t “earned the respect of my peers.” I don’t “wash on a regular basis.” I “tend to steal things.” I “forget to pay bills on time.” I’m not “tech savvy.” I often “kick small animals.” I “laugh at retarded kids.” I “don’t know my left from my right.” I sometimes “zone out and don’t remember what I have been doing for the last twenty minutes. I could go on and on, but my last post being “uninspired” and the resulting "depression" is just the tip of the iceberg. Oh yeah, I “speak in cliché” a lot.

Here are some pictures of the “manual labor” I had to do in order to save $2000.

I had to use this to. . .


Dig this.