fake news

If you think Osama bin Laden is looking younger these days you are right. Not only is his beard looking like its old self, but bin Laden is sleeping better, laughing more and getting along with all of his wives for the first time in years, according to Mohammad Hasid, Al Qaeda’s newly appointed press secretary. “He’s feeling great,” said Hasid during his inaugural press conference in Islamabad on Monday. Hasid denied allegations that bin Laden has been using “Just for Men” to alter the color of his beard. Hasid jokingly reported video was being altered by Al Qaeda’s new graphics intern from the University of Riyadh to hide the grey in bin Laden’s beard.

So what is bin Laden’s secret? Hasid reports that bin Laden has been using a product he discovered on the Internet. Created in the mountains of Kazakhstan, bin Laden uses a gel made from a mixture of ground goat’s hoofs, mud from the Aral Sea along with other mystery ingredients. The gel is rubbed under the arms three times a day, reports Hasid. “It smells terrible, but most of the guys living in those caves smell pretty bad already, Hasid joked. The new press secretary later showed video of a group that was leaving Islamabad to bring supplies, including the “fountain of life” mixture, to bin Laden’s mountain hide out recently. Despite Al Qaeda’s dire reputation, the group videotaped can be seen laughing and playing with each other. One insurgent even gives another member a “wedgie” before the group starts its trek to bin Laden’s hideout. Along with food and medical supplies, the video shows the caravan carrying back issues of Us Weekly magazine, compact discs of rap music and a copy of the recently released Halo 3.