Sunday, November 27, 2005


Novem-burr 27th. The first snow of the season in Seattle.

This is why blogs descend from monkeys

Soon, federalcheese will return to the high quality reporting and dynamic debate that put it at the forefront of the technological world. "What was the true legacy of the New Deal in American life?" "Has President Bush moved towards the center as Reagan did when he faced crisis?" "Exactly when did G. Gordon Liddy and Oliver North become admired patriots?" These and other questions of national importance will grace the screens of those who tune it, but first. . .just a little more fun. Aw, who's kidding, it'll be bullshit from here on out. But I am working on a few posts for the the "Story of Federalcheese." A "shout out" to my blood back by the bay for sending me the 411 on Chuck Norris. NOBODY beats Gabe Rock-n-Rolly.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday
the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to
every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.
always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates
him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

This is why God invented blogs

Once upon a time, Saturday Night Live created a mythical character by the name of Bill Brasky. His exploits became legandary amongst all of us who felt life was passing us by. Bill Brasky grabbed life by the balls. But that's only part of the story. . .

Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!"

"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"

"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and
it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"

"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with
a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY
IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it
say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good
for a deer!'"

"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."

"He sweats Gatorade"

"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated

"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

"He sheds his skin once a year."

"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."

"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a
month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me
curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"

"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."

"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."

"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal
when it came to that."

"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine

"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At
the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with
riccotta cheese."

"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the

"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."

"They found $60 in change in his stomach."

"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."

"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."

"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept
for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All
in all, I prefer gin.'"

"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to
Brasky talk in his sleep."

"He date raped David Bowie."

"He once inhaled a seagull."

"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."

"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson

"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."

"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"

"He has dandruff the size of mice!"

"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"

"He conjured Neville Chamberlain!"

"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And
punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"

"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."

"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby
shrimp scampi."

"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."

"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky
decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He
stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for
their lives...except Fleagle."

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake
before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."

"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."

"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16
ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil

"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Poll."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of,
'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast
and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The
production got pretty good reviews."

"He breastfeeds John Madden."

"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the
Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"

"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."

"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in
high heels."

"All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos."

"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."

"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He
did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died.
Brasky said it would've happened sometime."

"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from
'Terminator 2'"

"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in
porno films."

"He thinks the Iron Man is gay."

"He framed Roger Rabbit."

"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for
the apple tree planting and not raping men."

"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."

Thursday, November 10, 2005

The best mispronunciation of my name so far.

"Thank you for shopping Mr. Ellenstein."

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Universe is Aligned

Justin Cooley wasn't the only one having a handsome day today. The hair seemed to be working, I had a close shave, and the bags under my eyes that usually denote how fed up I am, didn't seem all that bad today. I did have to go into work on my day off, and the traffic was pretty bad, but fuck it man. I look good!