This is why blogs descend from monkeys

Soon, federalcheese will return to the high quality reporting and dynamic debate that put it at the forefront of the technological world. "What was the true legacy of the New Deal in American life?" "Has President Bush moved towards the center as Reagan did when he faced crisis?" "Exactly when did G. Gordon Liddy and Oliver North become admired patriots?" These and other questions of national importance will grace the screens of those who tune it, but first. . .just a little more fun. Aw, who's kidding, it'll be bullshit from here on out. But I am working on a few posts for the the "Story of Federalcheese." A "shout out" to my blood back by the bay for sending me the 411 on Chuck Norris. NOBODY beats Gabe Rock-n-Rolly.


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris
can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in
the
face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted
he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday
of
the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind
the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to
have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse
kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds
of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that,
Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees
to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to
bang
every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires
no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.
He
always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates
to
him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.